Hat’s Three-Step Plan for Fulfilment
1. Do things you don’t like for money.
2. Do things you like for free.
3. On the occasions when you get money for doing something you like, count yourself lucky.
Anyway, I’m off to the pub for lunch now.
Hat’s Three-Step Plan for Fulfilment
1. Do things you don’t like for money.
2. Do things you like for free.
3. On the occasions when you get money for doing something you like, count yourself lucky.
Anyway, I’m off to the pub for lunch now.
(Edit: BBC’s extract is here.)
HARRY POTTER AND THE VISCERA OF KITTENS
By Will Self
Harry’s scar, like the brand of an adulterer, throbbed as he looked on with distaste at the shell-suited proles who fed him and longed for boarding school. As some weak, flapping archetype flew through the window and summoned him to Hogwarts, he cantered out onto Privet Drive in all its Ballardian glory with relief. He leapt onto the Knight Bus, only to see its ritually, colonially decapitated Jamaican helmsman steer it directly towards another coming in the opposite direction. “Wizard prang,” said Harry.
As luck would have it, in this Saturnalian world where children wield the wands heedless of Freud, the buses merely merged, and Harry found himself in the company of Ron and Hermione. Hermione’s grotesquely enlarged intellect pulsed as she summoned a spell to take them directly to Hogwarts in the blinking of a bat’s eye: Congestion chargium.
On the wuthering heights of the Hogwarts bridge of sighs, Voldemort dangled the flopping remains of Dumbledore over the edge of the abyss.
As the triumvirate arrived at Gryffindor, offered the password to the animated image on the wall and entered the warm incubator of their leatherine protectors that was the common room, they noticed an eerie silence in the place and sensed that darkness had come early this Christmas.
On the table was a baby cat, pinioned with a letter knife and accompanied by a note, which simply read: “Open me at the close. Sirius.” Ron’s face twisted into the rictus of a tractor-mangled squirrel in echo of the kitten’s plight. “It’s no good,” said Hermione as if suddenly blessed with the facility to ratiocinate, “we’ve got to do what must be done.”
Harry took the knife and weilded it from nose to tailtip, spilling the warm entrails in a single movement as swift as a Nimbus 2000. There upon the table, in the calligraphy of giblets, the augury was clear.
The trio flew at once to the bridge where Harry’s tritely externalised darker self held sway, and chanted together the incantation inspired by the kitten’s last sigh: Applicatum myxamatosis! The eyes of Tom Riddle, cypher, grew rheumy – but so did Harry’s as they merged into oblivion together.
The end.
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NOTES FOR EDITORS:
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I give you:
Death became her. Resurrection angered her.
Isambard Kingdom Brunel stepped from the –
Birth. Death. Sold sandwiches in between.
Red-hooded girl defeats transvestite wolf.
I. Angry Achilles avenges Patroclus, killing Hector.
II. Odysseus has adventures getting home (uncuckolded).
a. Hamlet dithers after uncle murders Dad.
b. Never never trust your daughters (sometimes).
c. Magician trains monster. Avenges family. Retires.
d. Witches correctly predict Scottish royal bloodbath.
“Policeman” revelation spoils long-running play.
Plane crash. Mysterious island. Interminably unexplained.
POISONED KEYBOARD KILLS HEADLINE WRITER SHOCKE…
So, c’mon people, let’s have yours.
Doh – Bother! (vulg, Blast!)
Duh – I say, you must be two pinches short of a snuffbox
Feh – What an absolute shower
Fnord – I think you’d better ask the Ministry about that
Hurr – Tick tock! Ding dong! I say!
LOL – I say, that is a hoot (compare ROTFL – Really, Simkins, you are the limit!)
Meh – If you say so, old chap
OMG – Good Lord!
Squee – I say!
Woot – Rather!
Your best bet for a first name is JOHN, JAMES or MARY; and your second name should be STEEL, KING or IRVING (though other first names might work, such as ROBERT or DOUGLAS).
As for a title, as well as connecting words, you’re really going to need MAN, HOUSE, TIME or WOMAN in there somewhere. My optimal suggestions would be THE HOUSE OF MAN, perhaps, or A WOMAN OF MY TIME.
I look forward to receiving a small royalty share when you’ve put this into action.