Landor sea

I normally actively avoid reading two books by the same author in succession, but here I am, half way through Iain Sinclair’s Landor’s Tower. I think on balance I prefer his non-fiction, but there’s enough of conspiracy theories and Welsh literary history to keep me going. And quite by chance I opened Kilvert’s Diary at random the other night to find the bit where he talks about Capel-y-Ffin and Llanthony Abbey – places of personal significance to both Helen and me. (I may have to continue this literary trail and read Kilvert properly next: just those few pages I read were beautifully observed, and gloriously pagan as only the Church of England can allow its ministers to be.)

In the current catalogue of Postscript Books (an excellent mail order enterprise I may have to try and ally my incipient publishing company to), there’s a collection of Walter Savage Landor’s poems. The paragraph describing it says one of his poems has been described as the best short poem in the English language – and it doesn’t bloody well say what it is.

And while I’m connecting everything up into my ever-growing Ubertheorie, editor and I were discussing Eric Gill (with his Sans) the other day. Gill lived at Llanthony for a while in the 1920s. (I wonder if the film Sirens – which the IMDB has the wrong poster picture for! – is based on Gill at all, albeit set in Australia rather than Wales..?)

You see, I was supposed to be at a pub quiz this evening, so now I’m pouring out random trivia (which surely should really be ‘quadrivia’).

Iraqi’s pyramid conceals a challenge

Now, *that* was a good weekend.

Part one was the Bristol Beer Festival: notable for large numbers of inevitably rotund beardies and almost no women, except on our table, which was spectacularly even on the gender lines. Much haziness of consciousness, many things called ‘Old Morocco’ (my favourite) and the like, including a *bright green* beer called ‘A Sign of Spring’ – what ho, , , and many splendid others for being there too. Was disappointed that Russian Imperial Stoat had sold out – only to discover in Part Two today that it’s brewed a coupla miles form where I live and is in my favourite local pub. Mmm, beer – and jolly home-made pizza fun at home with six of us afterwards.

Part two failed to follow King Alfred (he was busy cooking), but did involve a pleasant walk, albeit to a shut pub, hence the now traditional ensuing voyage to the home of the Stoat. Walk notable for two incidents in particular:

1. (The Scene: A parked car along a narrow lane contains about 5 Jack Russells barking their heads off.)
HATMANDU: ‘Barky barky barky bark bark.’
A VOICE: ‘Barky barky bark.’

The voice turned out to belong to a middle aged woman rootling around in a hedgerow, who said this with her back still turned to us. At last: an intelligent conversation with a local.

2. We were sunning our four happy, idling selves by the river, playing (1,3)* and generally lazing about in the remarkable warmth, when something off floated towards us. It gradually appeared to be a plank of wood. Fair enough: we’d just been playing pooh sticks, so maybe a competitive villager had decided to pull rank. But no: said plank (not the villager) was inscribed with things such as: ‘SELF PITY’, ‘DOUBT’, ‘FEAR’, ‘LACK OF CONFIDENCE’ and the like – clearly someone has been reading a self-help cognitive therapy book and has let their worries float down the river. While we watched, a brief hailstorm came down, then stopped as soon as we moved on. The plank got stuck in some weeds, so I freed it back into the main current – I hope it works, dammit.

But I do have really bad asthma at the moment, both of my parents are ill, and This Is Tiresome.

Tra la.

*(1,3) – this (copyright ME) is a version of I Spy where you have to come up with a spur-of-the-moment cryptic crossword clue for something in your purview. For example: ‘French bank right between two banks’ for ‘river’ – yes, yes, they don’t have to be very good.

Sinclair’s Ring cycle

At last the chance to rhapsodise about Iain Sinclair’s London Orbital. I love some of his earlier books (although the one novel I read was largely incomprehensible to me at the time), but this one works so much better (not that I’ve quite finished yet). It’s Last of the Summer Wine scripted by Edgar Allan Poe; it’s the Dark Side of Fatty Ackroyd.

(I haven’t done any of this kind of lunatic perambulation for a while now – alas my fellow fugueurs now live elsewhere or have babies – and I damn well miss it.)

Only 10 pages left to go now – he’s certainly rushing the last bit. Which is just as well, because most of it is about nasty Essex people chopping each other up and distributing the bits.

But the best bit for me, the most elegiac of all, was in the grounds of the erstwhile Joyce Green Hospital near Dartford, and with the old codgers wandering around the mud and salt flats. What made it particularly spectacular was that I read it in the great hall of Imperial College while H and the rest of the choir sang Elgar’s Dream of Gerontius at me (and several hundred others) – perfect combination. Great concert, and something of an elegy for H, too, as it was the last one she’ll do for that particular kwa.

I think there’s a lot more subtlety in Sinclair’s tone in this book: he’s still very good at invective, but it’s always tempered with a sort of metallic nostalgia. And although he hardly rhapsodises about the grey hinterlands that are being lost to developers, the whole thing is nevertheless pervaded with this sense of loss, and it’s quietly moving to read of all these brutal sanitoria being transmuted into clocktowered Crest estates and all the rest of it. Corking stuff.

Haro Krishna Haro Rama

If anyone doubts the wonders of Sark, let them read this – it’s not some quaint bit of history (well, it is), but pertains to this very day:

Clameur de Haro: Under Norman custom a person can obtain immediate cessation of any action he considers to be an infringement of his rights. At the scene he must, in front of witnesses, recite the Lord’s prayer in French and cry out “Haro, Haro, Haro! A mon aide mon Prince, on me fait tort!” The Clameur must be registered at the Greffe Office, and a deposit (£7.50) made. All actions must cease until the matter is heard by the Court and if, after investigation, the complaint is disallowed, the deposit is forfeited, and the complainant can be liable to a claim for damages.

Or, if that’s not enough for you, how about:

Pigeons: The Seigneur’s right to be the sole keeper of pigeons (Droit de Colombier) is still enforced and a colombier is maintained at La Seigneurie.

I LOVE Sark!

Pancakes tomorrow…

It turns out Warminster has its very own pancake song:

Dame, is your pan hot?
Lard and corn is dear;
I’ve come a-shovin’,
Tis but once a year.
So up to the flitch
and cut a gurt stitch;
If your hens don’t lay,
I’ll steal your cock away
Afore next Shrove Tuesday.

Though obviously with all that talk of shoving and cocks, I think it’s probably about repairing your central heating system.

More of that nonsense *just in*

Hey, the police have come up with a great new idea. I’m all for it. You see, there’s an enormous amount of crime going on all over the place, and it’s simply a waste of VALUABLE PUBLIC RESOURCES to go round catching the people who actually perpetrated it. So, under a new scheme FUNDED BY AN INSTITUTE, the police are now going to capture (with a large net, I believe) exactly the right number of people, but randomly selected from people at large. Not only will this send their success rates rocketing up to 100%, but it will of course act as a spiffy deterrent. Although criminals might initially be tempted to capitalise upon this opportunity to do bad things and let other people take the rap, SOCIETY AT LARGE will realise that the more crime there is, the more of society will be locked up, and gradually the rates will fall.

(Actually, the POWERS THAT BE could also run a new lottery system based on all this: buy a ticket with someon’es name on it and if they get captured, you win a prize, related to the number of years in prison they have been selected to undertake. But that’s just my humble contribution.)

Given the red light

I was honoured and delighted, on studying the search terms through which people have encountered my website (see left, but a second site is in development, which will relocate most of the weirdness below), to see they included:

prostitutes in Gosport

Alas, I’m not offering a Portsmouth pimpery, and the document which contained these terms was about a bit of 18th century history. One poor lonely Hampshire man must be very disappointed.

Other terms so far include

death of Napoleon
how the sandwich was born
Rousseau noble savage horses
cyanide in almonds
steps to finding a job
vonnegut tralfamadorean novels

And that’s all from the last week!