Hot on the heels of last week’s news about alcohol bearing health warning labels, I’ve come with a system for fast food.

Naturally, labelling is impractical because the packaging isn’t always suitable and is often (a) discarded (b) eaten in confusion or by preference to the moose meat beneath.

So, what we need to do is enforce name changes for the products themselves. Permit me to demonstrate:

– ‘a double cheeseburger and medium fries, please’ becomes ‘a double by-pass and medium angina, please’
– ‘would you like to go large?’ becomes ‘would you like to die young?’

and so on.

This system might well be then applied to cigarettes, too: ‘a packet of Mild Emphysema’, say.

Alcohol is more tricky. Ideally, for example, ‘cider’ would become ‘Students’ Blood’, ‘Fosters’ – ‘Vomit’, ‘Old Peculiar’ – ‘Beardy Huge-Gut’, or some such. The trouble is, these all sound like real ales anyway.

Right, I really must log off the SadDweebyBastard and get on with some work.